Originally published by Chief Monkey on the A Day in the Life of an Information Security Investigator blog (the “Security Monkey” blog) at it.toolbox.com. Mirrored here from the Internet Archive. All rights remain with the original author. See the section intro for full attribution and takedown contact.
Part I 路 Sep 12, 2007
The noise of her desk phone startled Rae so badly that she let out a “oh!” worthy of a Japanese anime heroine.
“I really need to figure out how to lower the ring volume on this thing.” Rae said to herself as she lifted the handset.
“Rae speaking.”
“Hello Rae. This is Simone in Human Resources. Could you come down here please? We have an urgent matter to discuss with you.”
Rae collected her thoughts for a moment. Had they screwed up her direct deposit paycheck again?
“No problemo. I’ll be down in five.” Rae responded as she dropped the handset back into position on her phone and started mashing buttons hoping to find the volume button.
A brisk walk and several small conversations with coworkers in the hallways later, Rae bounded through the door of the Human Resources department at Big Bank, Incorporated.
Rae approached the counter that was typically manned by a chatty receptionist and spotted a sign.
“Ring Bell For Service”
CLANG
“Jeezus, that is louder than my desk phone.” Rae muttered under her breath.
“RAE! Oh mah gawd girl, you are lookin’ good! Whatchu here for, girl?” spouted Debbie the receptionist, or “Debdeb” as she was known throughout the company.
“Thanks. I’m here because Simone said she needed to speak with me.” Rae responded.
“I’ll buzz you in. Her door is the second on the left.” Debbie responded with a friendly goodbye wave.
knock knock was the sound made by Rae’s knuckles on the office door.
“Come in!” chimed a familiar voice.
Rae approached Simone and offered her hand in a business-like handshake as she took position in one of the leather chairs facing Simone’s desk.
“Please tell me my direct deposit isn’t screwed up again.” Rae joked.
Simone’s smile faded from her face as she cracked open a manila folder on her desk.
“Rae, you’ve been with us over ten years. You are a star employee according to your management. That’s why what I’m about to tell you is a bit shocking to me.” Simone said in a calm voice.
“I’m sorry?” Rae asked with a tilt of her head.
“Last week you were drug tested as part of our company’s random drug testing program. As you know, Big Bank supports a drug-free workplace.” Simone began.
“Yessss…. I’m not following you.” Rae said while tilting her head in the opposite direction like a bobblehead doll.
“Rae, you tested positive for Cocaine. We had the lab confirm the results twice from your sample. Is there something that you want to tell me?” Simone asked with a hardened expression crossing her face.
“What? Simone, that is impossible. I’m a total health freak. I’ve never taken any recreational drugs. Hell, I barely like taking the prescription medications my doctor insists that I take! This is highly improbable. You’ve made a mistake.” Rae retorted.
“There’s no mistake Rae. The results were put through a standard five panel test. The results were validated using gas chromatography. Twice. I have no choice but to put you on notice as a warning. I need you to sign an employment agreement and agree to weekly urine testing for a period of one year. You will also need to complete a drug awareness program at a provider of your choice.” Simone said in a robotic fashion while throwing papers towards Rae. “I need you to sign here… and here… initial here…”
“NO.” Rae yelled. “This is madness! You are wrong. The tests are wrong!”
“Rae, sign these papers or we’re going to have to terminate you today. I’m sorry, but that’s company policy. You agreed to this when you accepted employment with us.” Simone insisted.
The rage built slowly inside Rae. Her anger consumed her at every level. Her hands started to shake, her body started to sweat, and the tears rolled down her face.
“I have to keep this job. My family depends on me. I’ll lose my home and everything I’ve worked for. I have no choice.” Rae said to herself as she tried to regain her composure.
Rae reached inside her purse and pulled out her lucky pen. She signed all of the documents. The rage still consumed her to the point where she could no longer hear a single word that Simone was saying to her.
“There, that wasn’t so bad. Please call me when you’ve selected a treatment provider. And Rae, it’s okay to admit that you used the drug. Everyone always admits it to me sooner or later. Look at this way… it’s all over now.” Simone said with half of a smile on her face.
Rae stood up from her chair and collected her purse and pen. Her eyes fixed on Simone’s.
“This is far from over.”
Continued in PART 2 »
漏 2007 All Rights Reserved.
Source: archived original
Part II 路 Sep 12, 2007
“Scrap, toss me another beer!” I yelled from my precarious position atop an inflatable raft in the middle of my pool.
Scrap scrounged around in the drink cooler and came up empty.
“We’re empty! Empty I say! Can I grab that sixer from your refrigerator?” Scrap asked as he hurried to my back patio door.
“Please.” I said as I adjusted my sunglasses.
The day was hot, dry, and had that “day off” feeling lingering in the air.
gurgle
I grabbed my stomach with both hands.
“Scrap really needs to get those burgers cooking on the grill. I’m famished… and the rest of the crew is going to show up any minute!” I thought to myself.
ring ring ring
My heart sank. My Treo rang for one reason only: either a client was calling, or Scrap was too lazy to stick his monkey head out of the patio door to ask me which sixer was okay to remove from the refrigerator.
I lept from the raft and swam to the edge of my pool where my Treo lay nestled under a shady chair.
“Chief”
I immediately pulled the phone away from my ear and quickly adjusted the earpiece volume to ‘minimal’. The voice on the other end was still too loud.
“Hey Chief, here’s your beer.” Scrap yelled as he exited the patio door with beers-a-plenty.
“Hold up, I’m on the phone.” I replied.
More loud screeching and crying echoed from the earpiece of my Treo.
“Scrap, how do you make a woman slow down and stop talking 100 miles a minute?”
Scrap thought for a moment. “Do you REALLY want me to answer that?”
I thought for a moment. “Nevermind.”
I coddled the Treo to my ear and spoke as calmly as I could.
“Slow down. Slow down. I can’t understand you. Who is this?” I asked, noticing that the caller ID was showing “BLOCKED CALL”.
“Who is this?” came the voice on the other end. “Chief, it’s Rae. RAE. Forget me already?”
I exuded a loud gulping sound from my throat.
“Oh, hey honey. What’s wrong?”
Scrap was watching me like a hawk and noticed my expression change from bewilderment, to confusion, to anger as Rae recited her adventures from her Human Resources department.
“Okay, I want you to go home. Don’t talk to anyone. I’m going to be over there in 15 minutes. Drive carefully.” I said as I hung up.
“You okay Boss? You look like somebody announced Starbucks going bankrupt or something.” Scrap joked. “And who was that on the phone?”
I placed my Treo on the chair and hopped out of the pool. Water poured off my body as I toweled myself dry and ignored Scrap’s inquiry.
“Chief? Hello? Are you in there?” Scrap said with a maniacal wave of his paws.
“That was Rae. Something bad happened at work. I need to go talk to her.” I muttered.
“Rae? Rae who? Ray Charles?” Scrap said as he swigged a few mouthfuls of beer.
“No, Rae. Rae Iris. My friend.”
Scrap covered the nearby patio furniture with the beer that shot from his nose.
“Are you serious?” Scrap asked as he wiped his face with his beach towel.
“Dead serious. She’s being wrongly accused of something and wants to know if I can help.” I replied.
“No, I mean… you have a friend? Serious?” Scrap said with a wild-eyed expression on his face. “Should I call the guys and cancel the BBQ? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this angry man.”
I slid my T-shirt on and grabbed my Treo from the chair.
“Oh no, my friend. The party is just beginning.”
Continued in PART 3 »
漏 2007 All Rights Reserved.
Source: archived original
Part III 路 Sep 14, 2007
“You have arrived at your destination.”
The friendly female voice of my onboard GPS system announced my arrival at Rae’s home like a weary flight attendant reeking of spilled drinks, stale recycled air and body odor. I placed my vehicle in “park” and turned off the ignition. The sun blazed through the sunroof warming my already sunburnt head. After several seconds of mental meditation I opened my door and made my way to see Rae.
Seconds from the front door I heard the sounds of sadness and despair, similar to the noises created by Scrap when he’s out of cigarettes or one dollar bills at an adult establishment.
knock knock
The door was quickly opened by a teary-eyed Rae. I wasn’t two steps through the door before she clung to me like a bad Uwe Boll movie.
“I’m sorry to drag you into this, but I don’t know what else to do.” Rae sobbed. “Can you believe this crap? Ten years of dedicated service to that place and they are accusing me of being some street druggie!”
I followed Rae into her kitchen where she served me a fresh cup of coffee (what are friends for?) and poured herself a strange concoction from her blender.
“Still doing the health shakes? Girl, you’re in better shape than most olympians!” I said in an attempt to lighten the mood.
“Not even a strawberry banana kiwi delight can cheer me up right now.” Rae moaned.
I took a few sips of the rich Columbian goodness in my cup and gave Rae a reassuring look.
“After hearing your story earlier, I’m completely confused. You gave them a urine sample a week or so ago and the lab claims that it picked up Cocaine metabolites? So they did the standard five panel and a gas test? And it still came back positive? What the hell?” I asked.
“Yes. I have the paperwork here… look for yourself.” Rae said as she handed me a folded lab report.
My eyes immediately focused on the line starting with “Cocaine”:
Cocaine [Cutoff] 300 ng/mL [Tested] 2984 ng/mL
“Jeezus. That’s nearly ten times the cutoff level!” I exclaimed. “If you’ve never used this drug during your entire life, how is this possible?”
“That’s what I’m saying!” Rae cried. “It has to be wrong!”
I scanned the rest of the document and scratched my head.
“What do you think about a hair test?” I asked.
“A what?” Rae asked, tilting her head in a familiar manner.
“A hair test. You give several strands of hair that are tested. If that test comes back negative, then we know that there’s a serious flaw in the urine test that you gave. Hair keeps a ‘drug history’ on you for quite a while.” I said.
“I don’t know. I suppose you’re right. What do I do?” she queried.
“Go back to work tomorrow and tell them that you demand a hair test because you have reason to believe that the urine test was flawed. You have a right to respond to positive results, right?” I asked.
“Yes, I think it’s in the drug testing policy they gave me. Let’s look.” Rae said as she dug more papers out of her oversized purse and handed them to me.
“Ah, here we go. Yes, you have the right to ask to be retested using a hair test. It’s right there in black and white. I say do it.” I said adamantly.
“You’re the Chief. Okay, I’ll do it.” Rae said with a smile.
[One Week Later]
I was nearly two hours into a wonderful nap when I was startled back to a wakeful state by my cell phone.
“Chief.”
The sounds of nasal sniffing filled my ear.
“Hello?” I asked.
“Chief, it’s Rae. You are not going to [expletive] believe this. The hair test results came back. They claim that I’ve been doing Cocaine for a year! I am so confused. I don’t know what to do!” Rae said as she started to cry.
I paused for a few moments to collect my thoughts.
“Rae, are you at home?” I asked.
“Yes, why?” she responded.
“I’m coming over. Go put on some comfy clothes and put the dog outside.” I said.
“Uh, okay. Why?” Rae said in a confused manner.
“I’m going to tear your house apart.”
Continued in PART 4 »
漏 2007 All Rights Reserved.
Source: archived original
Part IV 路 Sep 23, 2007
“Dust much?” I complained as I emptied Rae’s kitchen cabinets and periodically sneezed from the dust in the air.
“Quiet you. That’s not dust, it’s sawdust from the cabinetry. Those are new cupboards, you know?” Rae snapped back, her latin accent accentuated by a snapping of her fingers.
Like most men having a one-sided conversation with a woman, I had temporarily tuned Rae out as I concentrated on the contents of the vitamin and supplement bottles I had rescued from the dusty bowels of her kitchen.
“There’s got to be at least a thousand dollars worth of stuff in here!” I exclaimed as I spread the bottles out across Rae’s dining room table. “And you wonder why you can’t pay your Visa bill?”
“Duh, how do you think I buy all of this stuff?” Rae joked.
“Let’s keep moving, we have a few more rooms to go. Bring that box of Kleenex. God knows I’m going to need it in this place.” I said with a smile.
“Cabron!” Rae yelled at me with a giggle.
I entered Rae’s bathroom and nearly tripped over a startled cat that was hiding in the bottom of her shower.
“Nice kitty?” I asked and received a face full of hiss as a reply. I approached the cat in an attempt to make friends only to be denied by it’s speedy escape into the closet.
“That cat is nuts.” I thought as I turned my attention back to the shower. I scanned the stainless steel organizer hanging from the shower head.
“Jeezus on a rubberized pogo stick, how much shampoo does one girl need? She doesn’t even have long hair!” I said in amazement. There had to be ten bottles of stuff crammed into the organizer’s wired frame.
I grabbed every bottle, every bit of makeup, and even her mouthwash. I returned to the kitchen and handed the contents of my bag to a startled Rae and then headed upstairs.
“Chief, I’m going to need a bigger table at this rate.” Rae said in disgust.
I mumbled something under my breath and rolled my eyes. This was taking longer than I had expected.
Nearly an hour later my inspection of Rae’s home was complete. All products that made contact with her body were spread out on the dining room table (and chairs). Her refrigerator and freezer were bare to begin with, much like a few relationships from my past.
I picked up each item and made some careful notes of my observations. Brand, manufacturer, ingredients, expiration date, sealed or opened, etc. Even with Rae assisting, this process seemed to last forever.
Near the end of our inventory process, Rae yawned and gave me an inquisitive look.
“You know chico, I know that you know what you’re doing and I really appreciate the help. But what exactly ARE we doing?”
I added the last item to the list and returned her gaze. “We’re trying to determine if something that you come into contact with frequently is making you test positive.”
Rae giggled. “Okay, I didn’t realize you worked for the Food & Drug Administration. You are an expert on everything it seems!”
I let out a very exhausted sigh.
“I’m not, but I know somebody that is.”
漏 2007 All Rights Reserved.
Source: archived original
Part V 路 Oct 4, 2007
“You’re shipping me a box of WHAT?” came the voice from the other end of the phone.
My surprised counterpart was Hugo Harwell of Harwell Investigations based in Las Vegas. Hugo had helped me numerous times before, and I needed him now more than ever.
“Hair care products, health shake mix, maybe even some dog food…” I joked.
“Why does this not surprise me?” Hugo said with a laugh. “Well, sure, I can throw that stuff by the boys in the forensics lab. What exactly are we testing for? A bad odor?”
“Cocaine.” I responded.
“You’re sh… you’re not kidding, are you?” Hugo asked with a raspy cough. “Good grief. I have to hear this story.”
I filled Hugo in on Rae’s situation without missing a detail.
“Poor girl.” Hugo said. “Have you pulled all of the documentation, done any interviews, standard stuff?”
“My scope is pretty limited right now.” I replied. “I need those results as soon as possible.”
“Understood.” Hugo said. “One quick thing, and I don’t mean to imply anything here - but for the sake of due diligence, have you taken her somewhere and had her pee? I can recommend a good independent lab over there in your area.”
I paused for a moment.
“Actually, no. I haven’t. I wasn’t sure how meaningful that would be if she’s coming into contact with the stuff on a daily basis.”
Hugo chuckled. “You know what I’m about to tell you old friend, don’t you?”
“I’m too close to this one?” I reluctantly replied.
“Exactly.”
I sighed. Hugo was always right.
“Alright, give me the name of that lab and we’ll get another analysis done - the entire gamut. I’m guessing the next thing you’re going to tell me is to have her pee every few days and watch the levels?” I asked.
“Bingo.” Hugo said gleefully.
“Got it. Thanks, man.” I said as I hung up.
I wandered back into Rae’s kitchen and found her sitting on the floor looking through the boxed items.
“What the hell am I going to clean myself with, dog shampoo?” she moaned.
“Dog shampoo? Maybe I should send that too.” I joked as I pulled my keys from my pocket. “Let’s go to the store and buy you some normal grooming products.”
“Whatever.” Rae said with a twinkle in her eye. “I need to let the dog back in. Where’s my cat?”
“Hiding in the bedroom.” I said with a snorty laugh. “I don’t think your cat likes me.”
An hour later we returned to Rae’s place with more shopping bags than a West Virginia lotto winner. My monkey arms were killing me.
“Hey, your door isn’t locked.” I said as I turned the knob of the front door freely. Standing on the other side of the door was a person I had never seen before. He reminded me of a sober Keifer Sutherland.
“Out of the way bro, shoppers coming through!” Rae exclaimed as she pushed by the crewcut-wearing twenty-something guy.
“Bro? This is your brother Robert?” I asked. I had heard Rae mention Robert in the past but had never been formally introduced.
“Chief, Robert. Robert, Chief. Hurry up slow poke this stuff isn’t going to put itself away!” Rae yelled.
I followed Rae into the kitchen and things started to click. I noticed that the guest bedroom had looked lived in, but I wasn’t sure by whom.
“Robert is staying with me for a while until his divorce is final. I thought I told you that?” Rae asked.
“Nope. Does he know what’s going on?” I asked.
“You know me. I don’t discuss my business with anyone, including my brother.” Rae retorted.
“Can I ask you something about your brother?” I carefully queried.
“What?” Rae responded.
“I think we’d better go outside.”
漏 2007 All Rights Reserved.
Source: archived original
Part VI 路 Oct 9, 2007
“Another one?” Rick Samson said to himself in disbelief. “How many times is this girl going to request a re-test?”
Rick flipped through the employee record sprawled out in front of him labeled “Iris, Rae” and familiarized himself with its contents one additional time before fixating his eyes on Rae’s e-mail.
“Something has to give here, and I don’t think it’s going to be me!” Rick snapped as he picked up the phone and dialed Rae’s cell phone.
“Hello?”
“Rae, this is Rick Samson. I’m sorry to call you during your requested vacation time, but I wanted to address the e-mail that you sent me.” Rick said with an authoritative tone.
“Thanks for getting back to me Rick. What seems to be the problem?” Rae asked.
“Rae, I don’t know any way to say this aside from being direct. We’ve tested you twice at a rather significant cost to the company and the results were the same. Cocaine is cocaine, no doubts about it. I don’t believe that there is reasonable cause for the company to pay for yet another test.” Rick stated.
“I understand that Rick, but there’s a little problem. You see, I’ve never done cocaine in any form so the testing method has to be flawed. I feel that I have a right to defend myself on this. Since you are accusing me of something that I haven’t done, why shouldn’t you pay for it?” Rae responded in a flippant manner.
“Look, people come up positive on drug tests. Eventually they own up to it. There’s no shame in just admitting it. We can have you enroll in a program and keep your job. We may make you pee frequently to make sure you’re keeping your end of the bargain, but you won’t lose your job.” Rick said.
“EXCUSE ME? I’m supposed to admit to something that I didn’t even do? And what about those papers that I signed? I’ve had others look at them, and they don’t think that I should be accountable to an agreement that I signed under obvious duress. I’m going to defend myself, no matter what Rick. Are you going to work with me on this?” Rae asked excitedly.
“There’s nothing I can do at this point. You signed the agreement, and I expect you to show up for counseling at the predetermined facility on Monday. If you don’t show, you’ll be in violation of your agreement and we’ll have to terminate your employment. We don’t want to do that Rae.” Rick said calmly in an effort to diffuse the situation.
“Never mind Rick, I think I have your answer.” Rae said as she abruptly hung up her phone.
Rick placed the handset back in the receiver and rubbed his eyes for a few moments before calling his administrative assistant on the phone intercom.
“Betsy, can you get me someone in legal please?”
“What the hell was that?” I asked as Rae joined me outside on her back patio.
“The HR overlord. He isn’t budging on that agreement, and they aren’t going to pay for another test. If I don’t show on Monday I’m going to lose my job.” Rae said as she started to tear up. “This is so not fair.”
I placed my hand on Rae’s shoulder and made eye contact with her.
“You’re going to show up on Monday and do everything that the agreement says. Do you understand?” I asked.
“WHAT? Chief have you lost your monkey mind? Have you been sampling some of that dog shampoo? I might as well just waltz into that treatment center and throw up my hands with a big sign that says GUILTY AS CHARGED. No way am I doing that.” Rae screamed.
“Calm down. Listen to me. Trust me on this. I need you to do exactly what they want to buy us some time.” I repeated.
Rae took a deep breath and closed her eyes.
“Fine. What’s this about my brother?” Rae asked.
“How long has he been back in the states? I thought you said he was still down in Latin America somewhere in the Peace Corps?” I queried.
“Oh, that? Sheesh, he’s been back almost a month. He’s not going to be here long. Maybe another month. Why?” Rae asked.
“I need to…” I said as I was interrupted by a loud “BAM!” sound from a nearby window that startled us both.
“What the bloody h…” Rae said as she placed her hand over her heart.
I collected myself and shifted mental gears.
“Rae, there is something terribly wrong with your cat.”
漏 2007 All Rights Reserved.
Source: archived original
Part VII 路 Oct 11, 2007
The sunlight made strange, hypnotic circles in the water. It was early morning and I was enjoying a piping hot cup of columbian goodness out on my back patio. Nearly four days had passed and Saturday had finally arrived.
beep
My treo announced that a new text message had arrived from Hugo.
“555 North 55th Place - ask for Juan. He is trustworthy. - H”
Ah, the mysterious pee depository. They were open Saturday?
“I know just the way to start Rae’s morning right.” I joked as I dialed her number on my phone.
“Good morning sunshine.” I announced after hearing a groggy Rae answer her phone.
“Whatever. It’s early.” she moaned.
“I need you to shower and get dressed. I’m coming over in 30 minutes.” I said.
“Why? God help me if you remove anything else from my house. I used a department store shampoo last night, chief. DEPARTMENT STORE SHAMPOO.” Rae emphasized.
“I need you to pee.” I said with a quick goodbye. Hmmm. That didn’t sound proper at all.
An hour later Rae and I arrived at the testing laboratory and asked for Juan.
“Hello, friends of Hugo yes?” Juan asked in a distinct spanish accent.
“That’s us. Where’s the cup you want me to fill?” Rae responded in her usual abrupt manner.
Juan chuckled.
“This way.”
I made myself comfortable in the waiting area next to a guy sleeping across three seats and a lady that smelled like garlic and bleach.
Yeah, I didn’t want to know.
I passed the time catching up on e-mails and a little web surfing on my treo.
“Okay, okay… I peed. Can I go home now?” Rae demanded as she returned to the waiting area holding a receipt of some sort.
“Sure, let’s go get breakfast.” I suggested.
“I’ve got lots of room!” Rae said as she charged her way out of the door in front of me.
I so didn’t need to hear that.
“Nobody heard that, right?” Rae said as she placed her hand over her mouth in an attempt to prevent further award winning burps from escaping.
“I did, and trust me… I don’t want an encore presentation.” I said as gulped the last few bites of my breakfast and washed them down with some piping hot coffee.
ring
I searched through my pockets one by one until I located my singing treo.
“Chief” I mumbled while wiping my mouth with a napkin.
“There’s nothing I hate more than being right, except when you’re always right.” Hugo joked.
“Beg your pardon?” I asked.
“I’m staring at the lab results of the crates of crap you sent me Fedex overnight.” Hugo said. “Are you sitting down?”
I glanced around myself in a comedic fashion while watching Rae apply some sort of eye makeup.
“You could say that. So what’s the word of the day?” I asked.
“Cocaine.”
脗漏 2007 All Rights Reserved.
Source: archived original
Part VIII 路 Oct 17, 2007
“Here kitty kitty…” I said in a pitch reminiscent of a recent Hilary Duff tune. “I know you’re in here.”
I scanned Rae’s bedroom carefully and listened for any indication of evil on four legs lurking nearby.
“Mommy’s going to be back from the salon soon, and I really need to talk to you…” I said in between whistling noises.
My attention was quickly diverted to a shuffling sound underneath Rae’s bed.
“There you are.” I said while peering under the bed at a pair of fluorescent green eyes. I tried every means of coaxing, but like any woman, she wasn’t budging at the sight of a strange man reeking of IHOP coffee and banana pancakes.
“If the kitty won’t come to you, you must go to the kitty.” I joked as I started dismantling Rae’s bed.
“HISSSSS!”
That was one peeved pussy. Cat.
I lifted the mattress and propped it against a nearby wall. Using all my monkey might I carefully wedged the rest of the bed assembly out of the way and stepped forward in an attempt to be within arm’s reach of the cat.
“%@#$@# OWWWWW!” I cried as an immense pain started at my left foot and worked it’s way up my leg.
I glanced down and found myself standing on the now broken remains of a framed 8x10 mirror.
“Who the holy hell keeps a mirror under their bed?” I thought as I lowered the bed assembly and sat on the floor. I hadn’t planned on picking pieces of broken mirror out of my paw.
After some impromptu first aid with some Flintstone bandages (Flintstones?) I pried the bed up one last time to see the cat scamper out from under the bed and into the closet.
“This is not my day.” I sighed as I lowered the bed and ran to the closet.
“HISSSSS!”
Yet another warning message leapt from the cat’s mouth as it dropped what appeared to be a mouse toy on the floor.
Moving faster than Scrap avoiding creditors, the cat dived under some shoe boxes and completely out of my reach.
“Oh this is just GROSS.” I moaned as i picked up the toy and a pungent smell greeted my nose.
“Bleach? Fabric softener? WTF?” I said to myself after another inhalation and an examination of what appeared to be cotton fragments escaping from the toy’s insides.
I carried the toy out to the kitchen and reached for my laptop bag and an item that I thought might come in handy given the circumstances of Rae’s predicament. A cocaine residue field kit.
The kit contained tubes that had an adsorbent pad on one end of the tube used to collect suspected drug residues.
<img src=“https://web.archive.org/web/20140910123638im_/http://www.crime-scene.com/ecpi/media/A-1098B_L.jpg"
After a quick swab across the surface of the guts of the toy, I crushed the glass tube inside the accompanying plastic vial.
“Jeezus.” I said to myself. “That’s more blue than the freaking sky.”
I placed the used kit inside a handy chain of custody bag and sealed it tight. My hands were shaking, and my left foot was still killing me.
I exited out of the back door of the house and stared up at the blue sky. Hugo’s phone conversation in the restaurant was echoing inside my skull.
“Chief?” a voice said behind me.
I nearly jumped out of my skin and turned to find Rae’s brother standing in the doorway. Apparently he had mastered the art of opening a door without making a noise.
“What’s up man?” I asked taking a few deep breaths.
“We should probably talk before Rae gets home.” he said as he lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply.
“Why is that?” I probed.
“Things are not what they seem.”
脗漏 2007 All Rights Reserved.
Source: archived original
Part IX 路 Nov 6, 2007
“Have a seat.” I said as I motioned Robert to a semi-comfortable lawn chair sprawled across the patio.
Robert took a long drag off of his cigarette and slowly exhaled, sending the smoke upwards in short bursts like a burning bag of microwave popcorn.
“I know why you’re here, and I think I can clear this mess up for ya.” Robert said.
“Go on.” I blurted as I slipped on my sunglasses.
“Look, Rae is a good kid. She’s never been in trouble before. Me? Well, I’ve had my share of trouble in life for sure! I think I’ve let some of that trouble follow me home this time.” Robert said nervously. “I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about things.”
I sat up straight in my chair and glanced towards Robert.
“I guess I’m a little unclear about what you’re talking about, Robert. Rae is being accused of habitually using a drug that she supposedly never touched in her life. How does this involve you?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Fair enough. Chief, I was a big drug user in my day. I’ve been in and out of rehabilitation most of my adult life. My recent stint out of the country was supposed to be a healing time for me, but unfortunately it had the exact opposite effect. I reverted back to my old ways. I tried to keep clean, but I was weak. Since I’ve been back in the United States I’ve done nothing but continue to struggle. You can understand that, right?” Robert asked.
“Sure.” I responded. “But what does this have to do with Rae exactly?”
Robert extinguished his cigarette on the ground and lit up another.
“I met up with some old friends and got some stuff. I’ve been stashing it here for a while. Anything you find in this house along those lines would be my property. It’s not Rae’s. I was hoping that you could give whatever you’ve found back to me and not tell Rae about this little conversation. She gets really upset when I talk about her business.” Robert said.
“We have a couple problems here, Robert.” I started.
“Problems?” Robert asked with an aggravated frown on his face.
“First, anything that I’ve found during my investigation in Rae’s house is either going to prove or disprove Rae’s story. Releasing anything that I find to you is going to compromise that investigation.” I said.
“And?” Robert queried.
“And secondly, I don’t believe a word you just said.”
Source: archived original
Conclusion 路 Nov 29, 2007
Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.
I sat in front of Rae’s home computer reading through some E-mail to pass the time, and then decided to check a few popular websites for news. I clicked around in Internet Explorer and by reflex entered Rae’s browsing history.
After reviewing the last five entries, my mind was made up and my theory confirmed.
The clock on the wall in Rae’s living room announced the arrival of a new second with an unnerving metallic sound. I compared the time on my watch several times in anticipation of an inevitable confrontation that was about to take place.
“Who forgot to lock the front door again?” Rae bellowed as she entered the living room. “You still here? You have nothing better to do?” she asked sarcastically as she caught my stare.
I got up from her computer chair and walked towards her.
“Funny you should mention that. I canceled a number of important things so I could be here for you Rae. And now I’m wondering if I’ve been wasting my time.” I replied.
Rae dropped her eye contact and slowly walked into her bedroom.
“What the hell happened to my bedroom? You guys have a party while I was gone?” Rae nervously joked.
“Cut the crap.” I said sternly. “You owe me an explanation and an apology.”
Rae stood with her back to me for what seemed to be an eternity. She placed her purse on her overturned bed and slowly turned to face me.
“Explanation for WHAT?”
I removed the chain of custody bag from my pocket and, while holding the top with my fingers, allowed the bag to unravel to reveal the former guts of her cat’s toy.
“That’s not mine.”
I was losing my patience.
“Of course. It’s probably your brother’s, right? Or maybe a former boyfriend’s? Or maybe your cat has a problem and we should perform an intervention right now? Here kitty kitty! Mommy needs to talk to you because she loves you!” I said in an impatient tone.
“How can you accuse me of such a thing? After all I’ve been through recently, you’re throwing this back on me now because you really can’t find out what’s going on?” Rae fired back.
“This isn’t about anyone but you. You’ve been lying to me and those around you from the start, and as a matter of fact, I DO know what’s going on. You can tell the story or I can, it’s your choice.” I replied.
Rae stood perfectly still and stared a hole into the floor.
“Fine. I’ll tell it. Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?” I asked.
Rae sat down on the ground and looked at me like a child accused of sneaking into the cookie jar.
“You failed the drug test at work and panicked. It should have been no surprise to you that you were going to fail, considering you have several empty drug test boxes in your bathroom’s trash can hid under a God awful amount of toilet paper. How are you going to get out of this? You call the one person that you know that has a knack for connecting the dots and presenting a factual case to your employer: me. How am I doing so far?” I asked.
Rae sat quietly.
“You start doing research on the internet for substances that can produce a false positive on a cocaine drug test, only to find out that it’s nearly impossible to get a false positive for such a substance. I found your searches on your computer - it took all of five minutes. Then you find that certain imported products contain trace amounts of cocaine due to their inclusion of raw coca leaves. Ah ha! The perfect alibi. You knew from my previous stories that I’d take a close look at anything that came into contact with you including your food, personal care products, etc. Ironically enough, this was my first clue that you were lying to me.” I bellowed.
“I didn’t lie to you!” Rae exclaimed.
“I’m not done. All of the products that I sent to my friend in Las Vegas were tested, and some did contain trace amounts of coca. However, you would have had to ingest several bottles of the stuff right before your test to have a results level as high as you received. The interesting part is that my friend found higher trace levels of cocaine OUTSIDE the bottles than in the bottles - specifically on the lid of one of the larger bottles. Let me be clear that the substance found wasn’t coca - it was cut cocaine. Any of this ringing a bell yet?” I queried.
Rae stared at me blankly, and her eyes started to water up.
“Let’s not forget the pee test that you so eagerly agreed to. The results came back showing your level to still be two-thirds of your original testing level. The only way to sustain a level that high is daily usage. You’ve been using this entire time. And to make matters worse, the real victim in all of this is probably your cat. The cat toy that you hid your stash in under your bed - you know, the one next to the mirror that I stepped on which also tested positive for cocaine - used to have catnip in it. Your cat has been chewing and licking that toy for an unknown period of time. Do you have any idea what even the smallest amounts of a stimulant like cocaine can do to an animal that small?” I asked, my tone growing more impatient with every sentence.
The sounds of Rae’s sobbing overtook my accusatory ranting. Her face was red with stress and embarrassment.
“I need help.”
The strangest stories aren’t those imagined by ordinary folks. They are tales crafted from real people caught up in real situations, most of which are of their own doing. No matter one’s sex, race, creed or color - all are susceptible to the evils of addictions.
This story is obviously a tangent from my typical case files. However, it is a perfect example of how investigative skills can cross all categorical boundaries. It also shows that even the most experienced investigator will encounter their most challenging cases not in an empty warehouse, an office building, or a datacenter - but two feet inside their own doors.
Rae underwent an extensive rehabilitation treatment, and is still drug free (and addiction free) to this day.
脗漏 2007 All Rights Reserved.
Source: archived original